The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
