I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
