hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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