I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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