Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
