1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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