I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
