I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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