Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize