Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
