Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
