Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
