dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
