Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
