i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
