it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.