Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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