If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
