i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
