On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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