drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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