mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
