So drunk its hurt
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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