I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
