there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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