You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
