You're so nebulous sometimes
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
