someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
