my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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