Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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