I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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