tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
