There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
