Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
