Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
