Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just googled if crying burns calories
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
