I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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