I think I won the penis lottery.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
