I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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