and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
