Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
