my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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