I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
