It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
