Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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