That's intense
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
