I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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