I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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