Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
