his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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