I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
