GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
