Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
