I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
