i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
